


He's Going Off Me

by iamisaac



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 03:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3104456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamisaac/pseuds/iamisaac





	He's Going Off Me

Harry Potter  
James/Lily, Sirius/Lily  
R  
8000ish words. Yes, I know.

 

  
**Part One: Sirius**

“I think he's going off me.”

When she was sad, Sirius thought inappropriately, Lily was even more beautiful than ever. Her eyes were wide and anxious.

“Don't be daft, Lil – James is besotted with you,” he said brusquely.

“Is he?”

“Of course he is!”

Lily pressed her lips together. “It's just... recently James has been acting really strangely. It's like... like he doesn't want to touch me, come near me. Even when we kiss, he looks like he's thinking about someone else.” She leaned forward and grabbed Sirius's hand. “Sirius, I can't bear to lose him.”

“You won't. I've no idea what's up with the bloke, but it's definitely not that he's losing interest.” Sirius frowned. “Come to think of it, you have been a bit less touchy-feely of late – which, as Prongs's housemate, incidentally,” he added, “is not a bad thing. It was getting so that I didn't know what state of undress I'd find either of you in, and while I never mind admiring a beautiful girl, I could do without seeing so much of James's manly bits.”

“I'm serious, Sirius. I don't know what I've done wrong.” Lily was playing with her hair, a sure sign of agitation. Sirius watched as she plaited and unplaited the same few strands. “He's slept with other girls,” she blurted out suddenly.

“No he hasn't,” said Sirius indignantly.

She shook her head. “Not while we've been going out. Before, I meant.”

“Oh. Well, yeah.”

“So why not me?” she asked, her voice quiet. “I can't help thinking that he's just not keen. He spent so long asking me out that he probably doesn't know how to dump me, so we're just mooching on as we are.”

Sirius shook his head. “It doesn't make sense, Lily. He's crazy for you – I know he is. I don't know what's the matter with him. If you were my girlfriend...” He broke off suddenly.

“You see?”

“Yeah, but... Maybe he's being polite, or something. You know, doing the gentlemanly thing.”

“I've practically gone all out to seduce him, and he just wanders off or starts talking about something else.” Lily nibbled at her bottom lip. “Either I'm just so rubbish at it that it turns him totally off, or he just doesn't want me any more.”

“Lil, it's not like you to give up. Where's your fighting spirit? I mean, you know it's not something you're doing, so...”

“The thing is, I don't,” she said unhappily. “I've... well, I've never done it before. I've...”

“Never?” Sirius asked, incredulously.

“Don't tell him. It'd put him off even more than he already is. If that's possible.” (The hair was plaited, undone, plaited again.)

“No, look,” said Sirius. “You can't just sit here worrying about it. You need to do something!”

“I've tried.”

Sirius's eyes gleamed. “Not everything. How about a slice of old-fashioned jealousy?”

“You mean....”

“ 'Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone',” Sirius sang tunelessly.

“Pads, don't give up your career to go into music,” Lily advised; but it was accompanied by the first smile she'd given him since she arrived.

“What do you think?”

“Would it work?” she asked cautiously.

“It might. James wouldn't like to see me kissing you,” Sirius said. “If he wants you himself...”

“What if he doesn't?” asked Lily.

Sirius didn't want to think about that one. Life without Lil-and-James was too weird to contemplate. They were a fixed duo, like – well, like Maggers and Hoth, the self-styled Singing Wizards From Hell. “At least you'd know,” he said; then, hurriedly, “But he does. I know he does.”

“I guess it's worth a try.” Lily stood up. “Don't tell him I've been round. I don't want him to think I'm pushing him.”

“You're coming for the day on Saturday, right?” Sirius asked.

“Supposed to be.”

“Let's fix it for the morning, then.” He grinned ruefully. “Give James the rest of the day to stew about it. He loves you, Lil, I'm sure of it.”

“I wish,” said Lily Evans, always before the most self-assured woman of his experience, “that I had your confidence.”

*

Saturday did not go as planned.

Oh, Lily arrived, and Sirius got to see first-hand the weird awkwardness between James and her. He'd noticed, vaguely, that their relationship had changed of late - but until Lily had spoken he hadn't quite realised how big the change had been. Lily was edgy, glancing at James before answering anything; James seemed utterly pre-occupied. It was weird. James had had, and split up with, any number of girls during his Hogwarts days. Of course, he'd never been that keen on any of them, since he'd always been hung up on Lily. But still, it was strange.

Quickly, however, the day was hijacked when Remus – one of their closest friends, but right now (in the minds of Lily and Sirius, at least) distinctly de trop – came over. James welcomed him blithely, and Lily adored Remus far too much to give even the least hint that he was unwelcome, but Sirius knew that his own greeting had been less enthusiastic than it might have been under different circumstances. As if to add to the weirdness, Remus looked distinctly uncomfortable too, until Sirius wondered whether everyone in the entire universe save himself had gone mad. It became evident that Remus had had A Reason for coming; it was equally evident for some time that Remus was not going to come to the point without a lot of prodding. Sirius tried to buck him up a bit, but the warning look he got from Lily told him not to push the issue. So it was not until just before lunch, that Remus, out of nowhere, announced:

“I'm gay.”

Sirius felt his mouth drop open; heard James mumble something. It wasn't that either of them had any reason to be bothered by The Gay Thing, but they hadn't expected to have it dumped on them out of nowhere. Why, Sirius thought irritably, Remus had chosen today of all days to come out with the news, he had no idea. Lily, however, smiled at him.

“As in 'I have a boyfriend'?” she asked eagerly. Lily had been trying to get Remus happily settled with someone for years. Apparently the sex of said partner was irrelevent.

“No, no, nothing like that,” Remus said hurriedly, as if he feared that producing a partner might have been a step too far for the present company. “Just, well, I – erm – thought you ought to know.”

Lily got up and went over to him, kissing his cheek. “You are silly,” she said, gently chiding. “You thought we'd mind, didn't you?”

“No.” But Remus's denial was unconvincing.

That did it, of course. They couldn't shove Remus immediately into leaving, now that he had unburdened himself, or he would become thoroughly convinced that his friends were homophobic. Instead, there was a lot of bracing conversation (slightly too bracing, Sirius suspected, at times) and Remus was positively forced to stay to the meal. It was lateish afternoon by the time Remus left, and both Sirius and Lily had begun to get a bit edgy about completing the plans. It was therefore not a shock to Sirius when Lily turned to him the moment James got up to escort Remus to the door.

“Now or never,” she said urgently. She was sitting next to Sirius, which made it it easy for him to turn and gather her up in his arms. Her hair tickled his face. “Quick,” she said; “it's got to look authentic.”

That should be okay, Sirius thought cheerfully. Lily was a very attractive girl, and there was not likely to be any hardship in kissing her. Pushing her hair away from her face with one hand, he pressed his lips against hers, gently at first and then with more enthusiasm. Lily had her eyes open, and Sirius knew that she was looking for James, wondering what his reaction would be.

“What if he doesn't care?” she asked, pulling away for a second.

“Loves you,” Sirius mumbled. “Must do.”

“I hope so.”

Lily leaned back in towards Sirius, running her hand over his shoulders as she kissed him. It felt good. Prongs must be a prize idiot, Sirius thought, if he wasn't interested in this. Somehow it seemed hard to believe, despite the evidence of his own eyes that day. Surely James would...

Sirius's train of thought stopped abruptly as he caught sight of James standing in the doorway. The expression on his friend's face made him finish the kiss hastily, moving his mouth up to Lily's ear.

“Tactical error, Lil,” he murmured. “I think he cares. In fact, I think he's going to murder us.”

The two drew apart quickly. They looked, Sirius thought grimly, the picture of guilt. James said nothing, picking up Sirius's packet of fags (discarded on the lounge table) and extracting a cigarette. His hand shook as he lit it.

“James,” said Sirius; “mate...”

“It looks like it's a day for surprises.” James's voice was bleak. “First Remus tells us he's batting for the other side, then it turns out my best friend's a bastard and my girlfriend's a slut.”

Sirius felt, rather than saw, Lily wince. Instinctively, he took a step forwards, so that James would have to push past him to get to her. James gave a mirthless laugh.

“How very noble you are, Sirius. But don't worry. I'm not going to touch her. You can have her – in fact, you probably already have.” He glanced over at Lily. “Do tell – have you been fucking many other people while we've been going out? Remus? Oh no, he's gay. Pete, then? Snivellus? Have you laid down for him and his greasy mates? Do they manage to forget what they think of Mudbloods when they've got their cocks inside you?”

Lily didn't answer. She was standing unnaturally still as James threw accusations at her.

“You're out of order, James,” Sirius said quietly, meeting his friend's eyes.

“Yeah?”

James stubbed the cigarette out, viciously, on the pine table and walked out of the room without another word. A second or two later, they heard the front door slam.

It was as if the noise jolted Lily back to life. She slithered to sitting on the floor, her knees hugged tightly to her chest, silent tears running down her face. Sirius had never seen her cry before – not even when her parents were killed by Voldemort's Death Eaters; not even when that crazy sister of hers had yelled that it was all Lily's fault they were dead, her and those other unnatural freaks. He swallowed, remembering the way James had threaded his fingers through hers that day, as if giving her his courage to add to her own.

“Lil, I'll find him,” he said urgently. “I'll tell him. It'll be fine, I swear.”

“Yes,” she said; the first word she'd spoken since...

Her voice was dull and lifeless, utterly unlike he knew it. He reached down and gave her shoulder a quick squeeze.

“I'll get him back.”

He strode to the front door, looking left and right for some sign of James. Yes, that was him – just walking into the DeWinter Gardens.

“James!” he yelled. “Oy, James.”

James did not turn, though several passers-by did, presumably wondering whether Sirius had gone mad. He added to this idea by sprinting down the road to where he'd last seen James, who by this time had disappeared somewhere in the gardens.

“James!” Sirius yelled again, still getting no response.

It took about five minutes' searching before he ran, almost literally, into his friend. James balled his hands into fists by his sides when he saw him, but his voice was steady.

“Come to gloat, Black?”

“There's nothing to gloat about,” Sirius said. “And since when have I been 'Black'?”

One of James's fists was swinging back and forth, back and forth. “Oh, I don't know,” he said, still in that level tone. “Perhaps when I realised you were sleeping with my girlfriend? That does tend to make the smallest of breaches in a friendship, you understand.”

“I wasn't sleeping with her,” Sirius began.

James cut him off. “No, that's right,” he agreed, the level of calmness beginning to slip. “”Neither of you looked at all asleep.”

“James, for fuck's sake...”

But James cut him off again. “I could kill you, Black,” he said, his tone low and violent. “Don't you understand? Right now I could fucking rip you into pieces with my bare hands. If I thought that you'd hurt Lily” - at the mention of his girlfriend's name, Sirius saw James's face crumple for a second; and his own anger died - “I would, too. But she...” He swallowed convulsively and stopped.

“She wanted to make you jealous.”

“Jealous?” James's lip curled. “Over a girl who'd cheat on me with my best friend? Ex-best friend,” he corrected himself. “I'm not jealous of that – you're welcome to her. I'm just angry that I'm so fucking stupid. I loved – I thought I loved her. Turns out I didn't really know her at all. Should've realised, of course, by the fact that she stuck up for Snivellus all the time; she was as Slytherin as he was. Rather,” he added, looking Sirius straight in the eye, “like your lot, the Blacks. And I thought you were different.”

“I am! I... Shit,” said Sirius fervently. “James, listen, okay? Lil loves you -”

“Of course,” James said ironically. “It's obvious.”

“No, look – listen to me, mate.” Sirius saw James twitch at the word 'mate' and hurried on. “Look, Lil just said you were treating her like porcelain, which was all well and good, but -”

“A whore like her needed a little bit more, and you were happy to provide it.”

“No!” Sirius tried again. “She thought you weren't keen. She said she wanted...” He thought better of the statement he'd been about to make, for two reasons. First, he'd promised Lily that he wouldn't let on about her virginity; but also, in the circumstances, he couldn't help suspecting that James would not be thrilled at his girlfriend confiding details of her sex life to his best mate. “She – well, anyway, I said that maybe if you were made a bit jealous, you might... It was a stupid idea, right, but I just thought...”

“You were just trying to help Lily's and my relationship,” James said politely, “by snogging her.”

“Well, yes,” said Sirius.

They had been standing under the branches of an elderly oak tree. Without warning, James turned and punched its trunk with all his might. Sirius could see that his knuckles were bleeding.

“James,” he said pleadingly. James turned back to face him. He was crying – big, aching, sobs which ran through his entire body. Sirius looked helplessly at his friend as he collapsed against the bases of the tree, his head buried in his hands. “James!”

James did not lift his head as he spoke. “Okay, congratulations.” The words were barely distinguishable through his breakdown. “You've done it, all right? Take a good look so that you can laugh about it later. Tell Lily that her stupid boyfriend really did love her; thought she was the most amazing person he'd ever met, in fact. Tell her well done, at last she's managed it – taken that arrogant bastard Potter and broken him.”

“Oh geez.”

Sirius wasn't sure how much James hated him right now, but it probably wasn't as much as he hated himself. It had seemed at the time to be a good plan – let James see them kissing and maybe he'd declare himself; tell Lily that he loved her, or at any rate show her in a way she couldn't doubt. He wondered just how much of a tosser he was. Merlin, why had he ever thought it was a good idea? Guilt made him self-accusatory: hadn't he always quite fancied Lily Evans? If it hadn't been that he knew how James felt about her, wouldn't he've had a go at asking her out himself? Maybe he'd thought his plan a good one because he'd wanted to snog Lily for years, and it was nothing to do with helping his best mate.

“Just fuck off, Sirius.”

Fury had faded to simple distress in James's voice. He couldn't even muster the anger to call him 'Black'. It made Sirius feel worse. When James had been yelling and threatening, it had been possible to defend himself with honest indignation: he wasn't guilty as charged, and nor was Lily. Now, though – James sobbing his heart out in the middle of a public garden, Lily curled almost foetally on the floor at home – now he just felt like an utter bastard. He had two final options – last chances to talk James round. Sirius hated himself for hesitating. He'd never before thought himself a coward, but option one was, at best, foolhardy... and option two he liked even less.

“James,” he said, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying not to choke on it, “look.” And now the words tumbled over each other as Sirius tried to get it out before he lost the courage. “You know you said you'd kill me if I hurt Lily; well, you'd better do it, all right, because I've done it big time.” He thought of Lily as he'd last seen her, all her vitality drained from her. If that didn't count as hurt, nothing did. “It was my stupid fucking idea, okay, not hers. All she wanted was you, and she was scared she was losing you, and I... Shit, I don't know, maybe I took advantage. I didn't mean to, but...” He drew to a halt. James was looking at him with a mixture of disgust and contempt in his face, and the worst thing was, Sirius knew he deserved it. It was the last push he needed in order to take the final step, force down the stupid inherited pride which told him that a Black was never wrong, and a Black never, never, grovelled. “Please, Jamie.” He deserved this humiliation, he told himself viciously. “I'm begging you. Please. Go and talk to her. She's...” Sirius fought for a description of Lily's state, and failed. “God, James, please.” Digging his nails into his palms he flopped forward onto the ground. “I'm on my knees. I'll eat dirt, I'll do anything, I'll...”

“Sirius,” said James wearily, “go away.”

Sirius went.

Back to the house, because he could think of nowhere else to go. Halfway there, he realised the impossibility of sharing a roof with his ex-best friend, and knew that he needed to be the one to leave. He'd fucked James over enough for one day: he couldn't take the house as well. Lily was still sitting where he left her, in the same position. The tears had stopped, and as Sirius opened the door to the room she turned her head with an expression of painful hope. Sirius swallowed.

“I talked to him,” he said, holding out the words like an offering. Try as he might, however, he couldn't make them sound any better than they were. If he'd persuaded James of their innocent intention, James would be here – and he so obviously wasn't.

“I see,” said Lily.

“Look, I thought I'd clear out for a couple of days, give him some space, you know?” She nodded. “It might be a plan for you to do the same – just go back to your flat for a bit, let him calm down a bit.”

“I'm staying till I've seen him,” Lily said, not moving from the floor.

“Do you think that's...” Sirius hesitated. “Maybe I'd better stay, just in case...”

“Oh, he won't hurt me.” Lily gave a half-smile. “Too much of a gentleman to hit a girl, and he can't make me feel any worse than I do now.”

“No,” Sirius agreed. And probably it'd be better if he wasn't hanging around looking like he wanted to protect Lily from James. That wouldn't help matters, and maybe... surely when James saw her like she was now, he'd understand?

“You'd better go.”

“Yeah.” He grabbed a few belongings, stuck his wand in his pocket, and went to the door. “Good luck,” he said awkwardly.

“Yes,” said Lily. As he closed the door, he heard her add, to herself, “I think I'll need it.”

*

There was only one place for Sirius to go in an emergency like this. Peter lived with his mother, who was made nervous by visitors. Sirius had deserted his own family a long time back, and somehow he felt that James's parents wouldn't be altogether welcoming in the circumstances. That left...

“Hey, Moony. Don't suppose you've got a spare bed for a mate?” Sirius asked as Remus opened his front door.

He'd never actually stayed with Remus before: thanks to The Werewolf Thing, Remus was unsurprisingly chary of sharing a house. But he wouldn't let a mate down in time of trouble, and, anyway, it had been a new moon two days ago.

“Oh, it's you,” said Remus, holding the door open wider. “No, I haven't got a spare bed...” For one awful second, Sirius wondered if James'd been there first. “...but you can grab a bit of floor. I'm sure you can transfigure a mattress out of something.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said, coming into the kitchen-cum-lounge and flinging himself on one of the two soft chairs Remus owned.

“I gather you're still talking to me, even after this morning?” his host said.

“Huh?” Sirius blinked stupidly at Remus. Then it clicked. Was it really only this morning that Remus had come out? It seemed a lifetime away. “Oh. That. Yeah – course I am. Idiot,” he added as an afterthought.

Remus sank onto the other chair. “I was just a bit... First I tell you I'm a werewolf. Then I tell you I fancy guys. I wasn't sure what sort of friend that made me.”

“Probably a better one than someone who snogs his friend's girlfriend,” Sirius said grimly, his own problems crowding back in on him.

“What?” Remus was back out of his chair faster than he'd got in it. “Tell me that doesn't mean what I think it means,” he said carefully.

Sirius put both hands to his head, grabbing handfuls of his hair and tugging as if he wanted to pull his head off. “Oh God, Remus, I've fucked up so badly.”

“Yes,” said Remus uncompromisingly. “It sounds like it.” As if in a daze, he walked into the kitchen area and poured himself a glass of water, downing it in one gulp. Sirius said nothing, looking pleadingly at him from the depths of his chair. Suddenly Remus spoke again. “No, I can't help it. Sirius, what... what the fuck have you done?”

The obscenity hit Sirius like a blow. Although he and James swore routinely, and Pete and Lily on occasion, he'd never heard Remus say that word before, and it held a force from him that it wouldn't have done from any other person.

“I was trying to help,” he said, knowing it sounded feeble.

“You were trying to help?” Remus repeated in disbelief. “My God, Sirius, no wonder you're looking for somewhere else to stay. If you've been kissing Lily, I'm amazed you're not looking for a different country. And then you say you were trying to help. Sirius, even you are not enough of an idiot to think that hitting on your best friend's girlfriend is a good way to help anything apart from your precipitate journey into the next world. I don't want to think of Lily's response to that, let alone James's.”

“She kissed me back,” Sirius mumbled.

Remus looked at his empty glass and clearly decided that water wasn't strong enough. Instead, he poured a hefty swig of Firewhiskey into it and drank it as swiftly as he had the water.

“I don't believe you,” he said bluntly. “Lily's decent. She wouldn't cheat on James even if she weren't so clearly in love with him. As it is, it's madness.”

“It wasn't like that...”

“It never is,” Remus murmured.

“Lil... James has been a bit funny with her lately – I've noticed it myself – and she reckoned he was going off her. So I thought... if we... if James saw...” Sirius stumbled through his explanation. It sounded weaker every moment. “He might... you know, show her that he... I mean, jealousy's supposed to be...” He trailed off, unable to continue under Remus's disbelieving gaze.

“You actually are that stupid.”

“It wasn't...” Sirius began; but it seemed it was his day to be cut off.

“You want to know why James has been acting oddly?” Remus demanded. “No good reason, Sirius – only that he's been trying to get up the courage to ask her to marry him. Only that.”

“Shit.” Sirius ran his hands through his maltreated hair. “Lily thought he was, well, going off her. I thought...”

“It doesn't sound to me like either of you did any thinking,” Remus retorted. “James told me to bring someone to the wedding, you know – that's why I came round this morning to tell you about... Well, that's unimportant. As for you, you stupid -” He broke off. “I don't have words for it.”

“Tell me what to do, Moony,” Sirius begged. “Please?”

Remus sighed, leaning on the counter top and looking at his friend. “Where are they now?”

“Lily's at the house. James... was in the DeWinter Gardens. Dunno if he's still there.”

“How's Lily?” If Lily had a motherly air with Remus, he reciprocated with a clearly brotherly love which – given the news about his sexuality – now made rather more sense to Sirius than it had.

“Upset.” Sirius couldn't bring himself to give more detail than that. He could still see, in his mind, the unhappy huddled body that seemed to have nothing in common with vibrant Lily Evans.

“You...” Remus stopped himself. “I'm going over. I want your key, and just... don't.”

“Don't what?”

“Don't do anything,” Remus said. “Anything, Sirius. You've made enough trouble for one day.”

 

 

**Part Two: Lily**

Lily sat on the floor, looking blankly at the wall. She kept seeing James's haggard face, hearing his voice accuse her over and again. What did it matter that the details of what he'd said were not accurate? He had every right to his anger.

She'd cheated on him. Kissing Sirius had been such a stupid idea that she now couldn't think how she'd ever imagined it might be anything else. But then, she couldn't think about anything really, apart from the expression on James's face. She'd done that to him – she. And she had done it intentionally, intending him to see Sirius and her in that passionate embrace.

“I'm sorry,” she whispered to the empty house, “so sorry.” The silence was crushing. “I love you.”

The sound of the key in the front door made her heartbeat race. He'd come back – had he? Did he understand?

It was Sirius, and the vain hope faded.

“I'm clearing out for a couple of days, give him some space.” He suggested she did the same.

“I'm staying till I've seen him.”

If she moved, if she left the house, she would be admitting the relationship was over. That she and James had split up, that she would never be anything further in his life but “the cheating ex”. Couldn't Sirius understand that she couldn't bring herself to do that?

He was offering to stay, when the last thing she needed was a bodily reminder of what an idiot she'd been.

“He won't hurt me,” she said dully; and was relieved when he left.

Remus's visit was longer. It was harder to face him than it had been Sirius: it was evident that he knew what had happened since he had been there earlier. He'd called out as he opened the door, probably to reassure Lily that he wasn't James – or maybe because he knew that she would be hoping, desperately hoping, for him to be James. He sat beside her for a long time, trying every argument he knew to talk her round. For the longest while, Lily couldn't bring herself to look at him, to see the condemnation in his eyes. And Remus just sat there, not forcing her into anything, a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“I can't go,” she said finally, meeting his eyes. “I know you're right. I know I should. But I can't.”

Remus had bent to kiss her cheek, and left; and Lily had felt more alone than ever.

It was a long time before she heard anything more; an hour, perhaps two or three. Finally, however, the key fumbled in the lock. Lily had hoped too many times before that it might be James. Perhaps Remus – dear Remus – had decided to make one last effort to talk her round. She listened for him to call out, as he'd done last time, and when he didn't her eyes went to the doorway.

James.

Standing where he had stood **then**. Silent, motionless, under the arch of the doorframe. She wanted to say something - “sorry”; “I love you” - but the words stuck in her throat. She just sat, mouth a little open, and looked at him.

“Where's Sirius?” The question was shot at her like a bullet.

“With Remus,” she managed.

James blanched. “He's in it too? How long as he known about you two? How long's he been lying to me?”

“He didn't know,” said Lily, defending Remus instinctively. Then, rather too late, “There was nothing to know.”

“So convincing, Lily, mine.” James's tone was ironic. “Or should that be 'Lily, everyone's'? Everyone's **except** mine.” He moved from the door, sitting deliberately on the sofa where he'd seen Sirius and Lily together. “Funny thing,” he said conversationally, “I've sat – laid – on this sofa with you so many times, making myself stop, not take things too far. Trying for once to do the right thing, to be a gentleman – to treat you as you deserved. There's a joke. Makes me wonder, now, whether you lay here thinking of him, remembering the times he's fucked you till you scream.”

“I've never...”

“'Never even touched him'. I know. It was a momentary aberration, giving into irresistable forces which suddenly made you fling yourself – quite against either of your wishes, of course - at Sirius Black.” Lily shut her eyes for a second, as if she could protect herself from the loathing in James's voice as he said the name of his erstwhile best friend. “Or no... wait! I expect you'd like to share his defence – that you were doing it for my sake really?”

“I was doing it for mine.” Lily's voice was low. She had had long hours in which to reflect as she sat on James's floor waiting for his return.

James exhaled with a puff. “Well, that's honest, at least. Scarcely flattering, but I dare say my previously over-bolstered ego can take a few more hits. After this afternoon, they'll barely register, I imagine.”

“You seemed so... so distant.” Lily wasn't looking at him any more, but up and away through the window. “I was hurt. I was – afraid.”

“So you started up with Sirius as back up?” James demanded. “'If one goes wrong, what the heck – I'll still have the other one'?”

“Do you really think,” said Lily, at last dragging her cramped muscles from the floor as she stood up, painfully, “that I'd still be here if that were true?”

“I don't know what to think, Lily!” She looked at him again, saw his hands clenched so tightly that the knuckles had whitened. “I thought we were okay – no, I thought we were good. I thought I knew you. I thought I loved you – even wanted to marry you. And then it turns out you're just some two bit slut who'll lie down for anyone.” He gave a quick snort. “And I was saving it for our wedding night – can you believe it? Practically feudal, wasn't it? What an idiot I am.” He got up and walked over to her, grabbing her shoulders so hard that his nails bit into her flesh through her dress. It was the first time they'd touched, and Lily found herself shivering in reaction. “You know what's worst of all?” he murmured. “The fact that I still care, that there's a part of me which wants to say it doesn't matter what you do – or who you do – if only you'll stay with me. That's good for a laugh, isn't it? That 'that tosser Potter' still wants you no matter what you do.” His face contorted suddenly. “And then,” he said, louder, “there's another bit which thinks, 'Fuck it, everyone else has had her – why shouldn't I?'”

Lily looked up at him. “Why shouldn't you?”

Why not? She had nothing to lose. It would be a memory to hold with her – that, unknown to him, her first sexual experience had been with James, just as she'd always imagined it.

Or perhaps not quite like that.

James gave a disbelieving laugh. “Fuck my ex-girlfriend before throwing her out? Why the hell not? Missing Sirius already, Lily? Been a long time since you last pulled?”

He kissed her; if such a crushing possession of her mouth could be called a kiss. Lily thought of the way he'd kissed her that morning – gently, tenderly. There was no love this evening, just the heat of anger and pain. Lily found her eyes tearing up again, and she shut them quickly. James did not need her sorrow: there would be time (plenty of time) to cry later, alone. Now what he wanted was brutal, animalistic sex – a one off cathartic experience to stem the humiliation caused by believing she'd slept with anyone and everyone but him.

She melted against his body, soft curves against his tensed muscles, wrapping her arms around him as if she would never let go. With his mouth still on hers, he pulled her back to the sofa with him, swinging her onto it and then lying on top of her body – despite his anger, still making sure he did not lean his entire weight on her. She would remember that, remember his care even now.

“Appropriate, don't you think?” he asked her. “Where I've dreamed of you, where my dreams of you were shattered.”

Lily said nothing. _I'd make love with you anywhere, my James. I love you_. Little point in saying the words: true or not, he could not be expected to believe them. She felt the weight of his erection digging into her thigh as she had so many times in the past. Before, she had been waiting – hoping and praying – that this would be the time he made love to her, this would be the time she gave up her virginity to the only man she'd ever loved. Well, this time she was in luck, she thought wryly. This time he would not pull away when she wanted more.

She kissed the side of his face and ran her hands down his back. He was her James, and he was hurting, and it was her fault. She arched her hips up, so that his cock pressed more firmly into her leg; then shifted so that it was rubbing against her clit. Her hands were on his arse, pulling him in towards her, and he gave a groan which he tried to stifle.

“Please, James.” She had not meant to say it, but the words came out without conscious volition.

“Please, what?” She was wearing a dress with a buttoned front, but James cared nothing for the buttons, ripping it apart viciously to expose her cotton white bra and pale-skinned stomach. “'Please finish what Sirius started'? He's not here, so you're forced to get your kicks with your stupid, naïve boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend,” he corrected, taking her breasts in his hands and squeezing them slightly harder than was comfortable.

She tangled her legs around his, sliding her hands underneath his T-shirt so that she could touch his skin. There was a sheen of sweat on his back; a smell which was so intensely James that she nuzzled her head against his neck, breathing him in.

“God, you're eager.” James's voice managed to be both thick with desire and yet contemptuous. “Don't know why I didn't click before.”

“James...”

“Such a fucking whore. But you're not just any whore, you're my whore, understand, Lily? Just this once you're actually going to be mine; it's going to be my name you're screaming.” He bit her shoulder gently. “I'm sure whores are well practised at remembering the right name to say.”

“Yes.” Lily wasn't quite sure what she was saying, what she was agreeing to. It didn't matter that much, with James so close – with the knowledge that she was going to find out what it was like to be penetrated by someone you loved, that she was going to feel her lover, her James, inside her. “Please,” she urged again, her lips finding his and clinging desperately to them.

His tongue was in her mouth, penetrating the warm, wet cavern as later his cock would penetrate the deeper cavern within her pelvis. She wound her legs tighter, tighter, so that every movement, every breath he took pushed his cock (still in its protective cover of trousers and pants) further between her legs.

“You're good,” James said, licking a path around to her ear. “Very good.”

Lily was past the moment for speech. Her hands slipped to the buckle of his belt, fumbling as she unbuckled it, before her fingers moved on to his jeans and she slipped over the button and zip. She pushed his trousers and pants down in one movement, her hand closing around his cock as if it had been made to fit there. She'd done this before, but this time James stilled for a second.

“Done this a lot, Lily?” He thrust into her grasp, even as he continued to speak. “Is that why you've always been so talented? So much practise?”

“Just you,” she said, not even expecting that he would believe her.

He didn't. “Yeah, right.”

She slid down and took his cock between her lips. This would be her final chance: she wanted to experience everything - _everything_. He tasted salty, and musky, and Lily wished she could stay here, her mouth warm around his erection, for hours. She lengthened her neck in order to take him further in her mouth, so that the sensitive head of her cock hit against the back of her throat, making her choke a little. James moved onto his knees, holding her head between his hands and slipping in and out of her mouth with desperate need, and a force which brought tears to her eyes. He moved his hands down to her breasts, rolling her nipples between his fingers in a way which made her buck her hips up involuntarily.

“Are you begging to be fucked, slut?” James shifted backwards in order to allow Lily to speak.

“Yes. Oh, yes, James.”

She felt his hand between her legs, smoothing her panties in against the dampness of her vulva.

“Oh, you're wet for me, Lily,” he murmured. “So wet. How can I blame the others for what I'm desperate to do myself?”

“Yes,” she said again, her eyes shutting and her body hitching up towards his hand. “James...”

“Fuck it.” James had re-discovered his anger, pulling her knickers off her and sliding his cock inside her with no further foreplay, no gentleness.

“Ah!”

Lily had not meant to cry out, but it hurt. Of everything she'd anticipated, she'd not imagined pain – physical pain – to be a part of the experience. Mental, emotional, pain? Too much. But this... She had felt something rip inside her, and her fingers had dug deep into James's arms in her reaction. Then, almost before the pain had finished, it was overwhelmed with a new sensation: one so over-powering that it was not possible to call it pleasure, but one which led her to buck up against James, encouraging him to move inside her. James, however, was still; and when Lily opened her eyes it was to see James's gaze fixed on her, his expression confused.

“You...” he said, slowly.

“I want you.” Lily was not sure whether it was guilt or desire which was making her cry; it didn't really matter. “Please,” she added.

“Lily,” and James sounded tentative, unsure.

“Please.” The word was sobbed.

James placed his lips against hers and gave her the softest of kisses. Lily, in return, moved her hips – reminding him of where he was, what he was doing. James in turn pulled out and then thrust into her again – almost despite himself, it seemed. Lily shut her mind off, refused to think that this might be the one and only time she experienced his love.

“Lily,” he said again, breathlessly.

“Yes.”

She did not know how to encourage him more than she had already done. She'd thrown the last shreds of her self-esteem at his feet: she had no more to give. But she wanted him. Wanted him so much, so deeply that it hurt. Reaching out, she guided one of his hands to her breast, desiring the feeling of his touch. There had always seemed to be a link between her breasts and her vulva: James caressing her breasts sent lightning strikes of pleasure down her body. And now, with him inside her (he filled her so full, so very full), the light touch of his fingers on her breast was like a new form of magic – so strong she shut her eyes, unable to cope with the disorder of her senses. He smelt of sweat, of sex, of desire. Of need.

“I must,” he murmured, moving gently at first and then firmer. She did all in her power to encourage him, to make him take her into the flames of desire which were overcoming her.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes...” She was saying the one word over and over, almost unconsciously. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.”

And then it came. That moment – the one she had read about but not experienced, even by herself. Sudden, intense, over-powering. She saw spiked rainbows of colour and gasped for breath. Then, just as she was coming down from the heights, she felt James spasm inside her; opened her eyes to see his face, so beloved and well known, yet somehow different in this moment from all previous visions of him. He had his eyes shut; he seemed to be in some world of his own.

“I love you,” she whispered, thinking that he would not hear.

He was still gasping for breath. Still returning from that mystical place he'd allowed her to visit. And she loved him so much.

“Lily.” James looked at her, and some of the gentleness had returned to his gaze.

She turned her face away, ashamed of what she'd done to him in the name of love.

“I'm sorry.” Her voice was choked.

“You're sorry!” James rolled onto his side, catching her up in his arms again.

“Don't. Don't, James. I know I deserve this, but...” Lily struggled away, sitting up on the sofa and biting her lip hard to prevent the easy tears.

“Lil, I didn't know,” James said softly. “I swear, I didn't know.”

And the comment was so unexpected that she stared at him. “Know what?”

“That you – you... I hurt you. I never meant – I thought you would've... even before I knew about Sirius – I knew he wouldn't have been able to keep his hands off you and his cock in his trousers – I just thought you'd have, with one of the others – before me...” He stumbled to a halt, but Lily had got the trend of his thoughts.

“How did you know?”

For answer, James reached a hand gently between her legs, took it away smeared with blood. Lily looked at it in disbelief. Of course she knew in theory about losing your virginity – everyone did. But somehow it seemed so archaic that there should actually be a hymen, that she should actually bleed.

“I'm bleeding,” she said stupidly.

“God – yes – bathroom – Lily...” James seemed unable to finish a sentence. He swung his legs to the floor and picked her up, carrying her into their bathroom. When he had got her there, though, he hesitated. “I'll, erm...” He backed out, shutting the door behind him, leaving her alone.

It took a few minutes for Lily to sort herself out; and when she went back into the sitting-room, it was to see James, fully dressed again, sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands. She went over to him, and noted, absently, spots of blood which must have come from her.

“James?”

He jerked up. “Lily?”

She had remembered something James had said earlier, in that confused speech. I knew Sirius wouldn't have been able to keep his hands off you and his cock in his trousers. There were many good reasons for keeping off the subject of Sirius Black right now, but Lily knew she couldn't leave that idea to fester in James's mind.

“He never would have,” she said. “Sirius. He'd never have touched me – not any of your girlfriends.” She hesitated, knowing that what she was about to say was something neither Sirius nor James would admit. “He loves you. Not in that way, but he'd never hurt you.”

“No?” asked James grimly.

“It was my fault.” Lily sighed. “I was scared, James. Every time I came on to you, you practically ran in the opposite direction.”

“That was because I...”

“I know,” said Lily. “I know now – but how was I supposed to know at the time? All I knew was that you'd slept with other girls and you wouldn't sleep with me.” To her irritation, the tears insisted on collecting in her eyes; she dashed the palm of her hand across her face to disperse them.

“Oh Lil.” James reached out a hand and tugged her down next to him on the sofa.

“I didn't know what to do,” she whispered.

“Why didn't you talk to me?”

She gave a mournful laugh. “In case you told me I was right, you didn't love me – you didn't want me. I – I didn't think I could bear that. So instead I fucked up worse.”

“Tell me.” James voice was slightly croaky. He swallowed hard. “I need...”

Lily looked away from him, unable to meet his eye. “I talked to Sirius,” she began. “We talked, and he said you did care – of course you cared, I must know that.” She exhaled sharply. “But I didn't know that. He said... said, don't give up, where was my fighting spirit?” She stopped, and took a few deep breaths. “He wanted to help me, that was all.”

She could feel the heat of James's gaze burning into her, and she steeled herself to look up. He was silent, his face pinched and worn and unhappy.

“You could talk to him,” he said at last, “but not me.” He attempted a smile, which served only to make him look more unhappy still. “That hurts, Lily, mine.”

Instinctively, Lily had started playing with her hair, plaiting and unplaiting it. A sudden memory of sitting here with Sirius, doing just that as she confided her worries, made her drop her hands as if she had burnt them.

“Because I didn't care about him,” she said. Then, unable to stop herself, “I wish I hadn't. You don't know how much. I'd do anything to rub out today – anything – but I can't. I can't. I'll understand if you never want to see me again...” Her voice wobbled to a halt on those words.

“Why did you sleep with me?” James asked. “After all I said, Lil – was it to prove me wrong? To make me know how I'd misjudged you?”

“I didn't think you'd know.” An attempted smile trembled at the corners of her lips. “I didn't know...”

“Why, then?”

And suddenly, the time for the simple truth had come. “I wanted,” she said, looking into her lover's blue eyes, “you to be my first. So that – whatever – I'd always have that. I thought you needn't know, but that even if I had nothing else, I'd have that.”

James swallowed again, and now it was he who could not meet Lily's gaze. “I don't deserve that.”

“No,” Lily whispered. “You deserve far more. A girl who trusts you, who doesn't lie to you, who – who...”

“I've got one,” said James slowly, “I think – now.” His face held a question, and Lily nodded.

“Yes.”

He slid to his knees beside the sofa. “Lily Evans, will you marry me?”


End file.
